I AM LEGENDarily bored...The story of a boy stranded....in his own house..

Before I get started,I just want to get something out of the way,...'Home Alone was too obvious a title'.
As you must be suspecting,I am now in charge of the household.Me mum and Grandma have taken a well deserved sabbatical from their full time jobs here in India.Taking care of me isn't a easy task really,lets just say you can call me a 20 year old infant,except for the fact that I can wipe my own behind.So there they went, catching the earliest flight out of Mumbai ,leaving behind lil ol' me to fend for myself.
It didn't take long for me realize that my dreams of converting my crib into PaRTy CentRaL and a Lounge Pad were not going to manifest into reality.That was when the bell rang at 6 in the morning,...Milk,then again at 7 30....Newspaper.....,9...Dhobi....,10...The Guy Who Washes My Car(to ask for the key).....10 30,The Guy Who Washes My Car(to dutifully return the key).This is after i have slept at 4.After which I wait for the Garbage Man to show up.Doesn't.Its like they conspired against me....
I knew sleep was out of the question at this point,so with blood-shot eyes and murder on my mind I proceeded to making tea.The challenges had only begun...God Damned Tea Bags!!!!Tea flavoured water...umm my favourite.Not to be outdone,I set out to refresh myself with a bath.Cool running water,caressing,cleansing my skin.'Hey maybe this day won't turn out so bad' I say while the loofah de-toxed my armpits....BRRRRNNNGGGGG 'GODDAMN IT!!'.Garbage Man decides to show.Half naked and dripping wet i give him him the goods.I can almost see the smirk that was to form on his after the door would shut.Aromatic foam still oozing out of my armpits on the floor,tracing a path from the bathroom to the door.Great,jusssstt great.
11:45 am Tiffin delivered.Screw breakfast, I'll just move to lunch,I say, my incorrigible laziness after 20 yrs still seems to amaze me.Who needs flippin dishes,I'll eat right out the box.Notice how my vocabulary changed after my mum left.Anyway it turns out i needed flippin dishes otherwise flippin ants find themselves in flippin soft areas of my anatomy.Some things in life you just learn the hard way,or with resulting inflammation...Lets just leave it at that.
The night posed challenges of its own.Now,I am as brave as they come,but its a big house and its OK be a little paranoid(not scared...PARANOID).Besides, I never really got over the trauma after watching "Paapi Gudiya".A crazed doll with a thirst for blood...that is just wrong,...wrong i tell you...!!! I also keep a knife set beside my bed.Somehow in all the nightly robber encounters I come to expect,the robbers are always Ninjas,and I always oust them with my superior Kung-Fu skills...(I did Taekwando till the..ummmmm white belt,but i learned a lot!!).
Anyways I am pleased to tell you that i have been slugging it out for 14 days now,and i have survived without too much deterioration of my mental health(Lets just say there is more than ONE voice in my head to cope with the loneliness).So,goodbye from me and all of us....till the next post.....

Waever happened to AQUA?? Not that i listened to them..

Back in the 'good ol' 90's there was revolutionary Bubblegum Pop band,whose music was almost as gay as Elton John in a pink tutu.But back then were kids,homosexuality was not clearly defined,and I recall that many my peers (obviously not me...)had bought cassettes(remember those??)..and found it satisfying belting out ' Barbie girl' in public.I remember chuckling in the back of the class after being told that it had lyrics like 'You can undress me anywhere...".Now their songs like 'Happy boys and Happy Girls' have a whole new meaning.Then suddenly as they appeared,they were gone.And so was their popularity.Rumors, accounting for their disappearance spread.Versions that i heard,
1)Lead vocalist shot herself
2)Lead vocalist O.D ed on drugs
3)Lead vocalist O.D ed and then shot herself...
4)Lead vocalist was a lesbian(most recent,does not explain why the band would break up though..)

As titillating as these theories sound,they are false.Aqua reunited in 2007,and are currently recording their 3rd album(Thank you wikipedia....)So all you fans(all 3 of you), get ready Aqua is going to splash on the music scene soon(Geddit...aqua....water...splash...o neva mind)

Truman inspires...

My life is a TV show...and you are watching it right NOW....

I lay sprawled on the bed,the camera pans in to my puffy face,the creases of the pillow cover etched into my face.A yawn,a stretch,a discreet scratch at the crotch...'They'll probably edit that out later' I tell myself.Zoom Out.Change of scene.I am in my shorts,brushing wearily,I bend over the basin to spit...'This is not a very good TV show,I'd probably be spitting blood,to find out i have lung cancer,followed by my death,and possible resurrection.'.Sarcasm...sells,but so does criticism.Nope,no blood just spit foam and a million spirochetes descending down the drain to their doom.I glance at the clock,a frown, then a resolute look,directly to the camera.Oooo,a plot develops??Don't get your hopes up.This is not a very good TV show.This is the point where a intro theme would be playing,flashing clips from previous episodes ...Sorry.
I am now running,one hand clutching my messenger bag,the other outstretched,trying to clasp the small bar in the entrance of the bus,...Will I,Won't I?This is about as exciting as it is going to get.Don't reach for the remote though...you got his far didn't you??I know,reruns of Full House seems like a interesting prospect right about now.In this show there isn't always a happy ending,and issues are slightly more complicated than DJ getting a zit,I do not always get a moral upliftment at the end.Cheesy,is something this show won't get.Continuing,...I do.Get in the bus that is.The conductor asks for the change,I don't have any,My face turns grim and i eye the conductor. "Sorry,सुट्टे नाहीत" I reply flashing the Rs. 100 note.Ball in your court,man.Expecting jump to Bullet Time(time slowing down,like in the matrix remember??),possible action sequence??He looks like the confrontational type..but just shrugs indicates he will give me the change when he gets it.The writers need to be paid a bit more.* Commercial Break* I see,you are back.There is absolutely nothing on the other channels,is there??Scene evolves into a irate professor expecting an answer from moi.A bead of sweat trickles down the forehead,nervous cracking of the fingers,maybe a rendition of my thoughts added during sound editing..A prompt from below,and a prompt answer....YEAH...triumph for our protagonist... Roller-Coaster of emotions,eh?Our hero(me??!!) is then seen relating the day's victory to his peers,all seems well..Suddenly his cellphone rings(tan ta dhaaaannnnnnn),with hesitation the call is received and camera fades out.......

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE CONCLUSION OF THE THIS WEEKS RIVETING SHOW

My life is a TV show,and I am the only audience...The TRP's are plunging.....