Truman inspires...

My life is a TV show...and you are watching it right NOW....

I lay sprawled on the bed,the camera pans in to my puffy face,the creases of the pillow cover etched into my face.A yawn,a stretch,a discreet scratch at the crotch...'They'll probably edit that out later' I tell myself.Zoom Out.Change of scene.I am in my shorts,brushing wearily,I bend over the basin to spit...'This is not a very good TV show,I'd probably be spitting blood,to find out i have lung cancer,followed by my death,and possible resurrection.'.Sarcasm...sells,but so does criticism.Nope,no blood just spit foam and a million spirochetes descending down the drain to their doom.I glance at the clock,a frown, then a resolute look,directly to the camera.Oooo,a plot develops??Don't get your hopes up.This is not a very good TV show.This is the point where a intro theme would be playing,flashing clips from previous episodes ...Sorry.
I am now running,one hand clutching my messenger bag,the other outstretched,trying to clasp the small bar in the entrance of the bus,...Will I,Won't I?This is about as exciting as it is going to get.Don't reach for the remote though...you got his far didn't you??I know,reruns of Full House seems like a interesting prospect right about now.In this show there isn't always a happy ending,and issues are slightly more complicated than DJ getting a zit,I do not always get a moral upliftment at the end.Cheesy,is something this show won't get.Continuing,...I do.Get in the bus that is.The conductor asks for the change,I don't have any,My face turns grim and i eye the conductor. "Sorry,सुट्टे नाहीत" I reply flashing the Rs. 100 note.Ball in your court,man.Expecting jump to Bullet Time(time slowing down,like in the matrix remember??),possible action sequence??He looks like the confrontational type..but just shrugs indicates he will give me the change when he gets it.The writers need to be paid a bit more.* Commercial Break* I see,you are back.There is absolutely nothing on the other channels,is there??Scene evolves into a irate professor expecting an answer from moi.A bead of sweat trickles down the forehead,nervous cracking of the fingers,maybe a rendition of my thoughts added during sound editing..A prompt from below,and a prompt answer....YEAH...triumph for our protagonist... Roller-Coaster of emotions,eh?Our hero(me??!!) is then seen relating the day's victory to his peers,all seems well..Suddenly his cellphone rings(tan ta dhaaaannnnnnn),with hesitation the call is received and camera fades out.......

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE CONCLUSION OF THE THIS WEEKS RIVETING SHOW

My life is a TV show,and I am the only audience...The TRP's are plunging.....

Onomatopoeiasis...

As the loyal readers of the blog(please correspond if u do exist) would know this blog picks at issues that only few dare to explore,...possibly because they have almost no relevance in peoples daily lives,and discussing them is like arguing philosophy with Rakhi Sawant...pointless,but a whole lotta fun.Unlike most blogs my blog is hardly ever satirical,there is no embedded meaning in my posts,and honestly no real content,...i mean i have written four lines already and the title still doesn't make sense.That would require you to proceed to the next paragraph.I just capture your attention, don't I?
Onomatopoeiasis...besides being a real pain for people with Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia [fear of long words(irony,also a part of speech)],it is a affliction that has not been addressed by the medical community,which considers this disease a figment of a weary blogger's imagination,and thus no comment was offered by any medical personnel except "Who let you in the hospital...GET OFF THE PATIENTS OXYGEN TUBE @#$%!!!".Well,after such inconclusive statements from them,I had to resort to conducting my own clinical trials.Budget constraints(Thanks a lot ,Mum) compelling me use only one test subject..umm....me.Through the carefully documented data,I have prepared a REALLY COMPREHENSIVE REPORT.

Onomatopoeiasis
by Salil Redkar N.S.E(not sufficiently educated)


Definition-A affliction,normally observed in over zealous patients who find it necessary to litter their conversation with word formed by sounds they make.

Observations-over a period of 30 min

The patient,due to lack of any actual interesting content in the conversation constantly used the aid of onmatopoeiaic words,diverting attention.The use of these words extended the story, being told him ,to such a extent he did not require to come to the point at all.He also thinks 'frrrrraaarrrppppp' is a actual word used to describe a fart.Notice how using onomatopoeia increases the crude humour quotient of a conversation.Patient often supplements this with elaborate hand guestures and exaggerated facial expressions.Regular therapy required ,not necessarily for onamatopoeiasis....No known cure,patient's conversations are inherently uninteresting.

END OF REALLY COMPREHENSIVE REPORT...

Maya..and The Matrix....

Maya...the ethereal temptress..
I feel it is about time for a post which has more substance and meaning to it then just..you know..pee and turd.Those posts,no doubt had a certain degree of entertainment value to them,exhibited my writing prowess only in a certain genre.I am ,thus compelled to use words like 'compelled' in this post just to show my readers my thoughts and ideas extend beyond excrements of any kind.But do not worry,this is only a phase,my nonsensical,churlish writings will soon commence after this.
I am still puzzled as to why I chose,what i have,as the subject for my newest post.Maybe i will unconsciously answer that as i write further,may be not...find out.

Maya...the illusion.
We go about our live seeing,hearing,feeling and even be-ing,without questioning,and blindly accepting.We are so used to existing within the confines of reality,so used to observing the world through such a sharp focus that we neglect the blurred edges.It is these edges that our eyes consciously omit,because they remind us how fickle reality really is.But we are,rather perversely,attracted to this idea of illusion.The cinema industry is founded on the fact that we can easily accept a concept that isn't true,and maybe that is why it is so easy to lie.
We are all products of our illusions.We carry them around everywhere,exhibit them,peddle them like a vice.Everyone of us,from the skimpily dressed girl,who is convinced that the image she is projecting,a media-drilled image is true,to the guy who goes around listening to rap,mouthing the lyrics,convinced he is from the 'ghetto'.Maybe we wear these illusions as a safeguard,for it will not hurt,if our illusion is dismissed,disregarded or opposed,because it doesn't reflect our beliefs or idea.
But illusion,to be defined is the presence,or belief of existence of something which doesn't.Common sense dictates that it is foolish to believe in something that does not exist.Our mind cannot fathom that the coin is still in the magician's hand,simply because we can't see it.Our eyes then convince the mind that the coin was behind the person's ear only because it is seen to appear there.But it is this faithful adherence to the concept of illusion that defines us as human.Our dreams,goals are all but different molds of illusion.It is the strength that aides the surmounting of the unconquerable,the BELIEF that a person can wade through the turbulent waters to save a child.Maybe it is this illusion,or the clarity of it that gives a super hero his powers..its his CAUSE.Maybe the matrix wasn't just all about leather jackets,and corny dialogues,there was a underlined idea,a world glazed with a layer of illusion,a illusion that we all try fight,but at the same time express a need to be a part of it....
Maya....the alluring sin,.....

Greasy Thoughts,.....

Firstly,let me just say,that ever since i could read,be it about five children who owned a island,or seven who solved mysteries or for even a girl who also found herself in the wrong place at the wrong time,I wanted to write..(i also attribute this interest to the fact that all the genes that code for "excelling at sports" somehow ended up in my sister.)Fueled by a overly vivid imagination,i always set about on a quest to write my own novel(sucking at sports left me with a lotta free time u know..).Then,armed with my pen(t'was a "china pen" as they called it,basically a ink pen china made..the gold cap made me feel important) i would set about scribbling on a old pad.The title generally consumed so much time that my most of my ambitious undertakings ended there."The Adventures of Leo Longmane " was going to be a magnificently breathtaking description of various pursuits of a leonine character with a wild mane of hair(the title doesn't leave a whole lot for guessing does it??....should also explain the unruly growth on my head).I would put myself in his place,brave,fearless, i would set out from my woodland kingdom,and into the horizon,to gather allies in the neighboring nations against a growing threat from the kingdom Arkahnon or something LOTR-ish sounding like that.My stoic face even while facing the most hellish creatures would make me somewhat of a legend.My wild hair billowing in the wind would strike a cold fear in the hearts of my enemies.My roar,sheer terror....and so i would walk around,talking to myself,on the road,pursuing invisible foes and striking them down,whenever i entered a slightly deserted lane.But all these thoughts never found themselves on paper,i always feared that the intense escapades of my character wouldn't be as intense if i tried to confine them in the limits of my vocabulary.And so ended my story,Longmane died a brutal death,...killed by what he stood against, fear.The fear of matching my wits,language against the other fiction writers...Longmane died byt the hands of Aragon,Gandalf even Harry..He passed,into the shadow,resurrected on optimistic days,but forgotten soon enough..Maybe one day he will rise from his grave,his adventures will be read,..his roar will be heard...

Visa Woes.Train bombings anyone..??

VISA REJECTED WITHOUT PREJUDICE....thats what a 'Officer F. Mackey' stamped on my visa form.The sheer injustice of it all,....the hopes,the dreams of young,and slightly hairy,boy brutally shattered."I hope you scald yourself while drinking your stoopid tea & choke on those ridiculously small sandwiches..."Apparently Mr.Mackey doesn't think that I am worthy of travelling to his country.No effin wonder Gandhi was pissed at these guys....hrrruummmffff who wants to go there anyway...*Salil tries to find the receipt to 'I Love London T-shirt,ties a towel around his waist and thinks of walking to Dandi..realises that would symbolise nothing..so ends up taking a bath.*And to think I had a fake English accent all practiced.I was using words and phrases like "blimey" ""oh good gracious me" every time i dropped a spoon,till I started sounding like Madonna going senile with exceptionally bad table manners.I don't get it ,why would they not want me to go there??I don't have a criminal record(not for lack of trying by the Police...mmmmuuuaaahahahahhaha) ,I really dont plan to study there,not unless Tina Ambani suddenly develops a infatuation for me....SO WHY???
And how the hell are the jehadi's getting the visas??I am sure somewhere deep in Pakistan,in shady alley there is a establishment which hepls the terrorists in getting their papers in order.

A heavily bearded man walks into the enterprise...
Man At Counter-Salam Alekum,How may i help you...
Jehadi-I want to get a visa to the Land Of The Cursed Christ Worshippers.
Man At Counter-Right,by that you mean,Land Of The Cursed Christ Worshippers controlled by the one they call He -Who-Will-Sell-His-Own-Mother-For-Oil Bush...?
Jehadi-Nope,the other one..
Man At Counter-Right, lets get started.Firstly what is your name?
Jehadi-Al Sayeed Mehmood Rafeequlla Karim Abdul Laden.
Man At Counter-Any relation with Osama by any chance..??
Jehadi-734th cousin...
Man at Counter-Arent we all??Now address and profession?
Jehadi-Bunker no.32,Trainer At Taliban Terrorist Camp since two years
Man At Counter-Why don't we just say,Human Resource Manager..??How about Duration of Visit...?
Jehadi-Till I wipe out every last one of these fair skinned infidels..or till i..like die or something..
Man At Counter-Riiiight...Purpose Of Visit?
Jehadi-To commit wide spread genocide and subject those kaffirs to hellfire till they beg for mercy.O..O ..n also want to meet my cousin Suleman who teaches the word of allah in a madarassa there.
Man At Counter-Ummmmkkaayyy...why dont i just mail the written form to you..?What's your email id?
Jehadi-.deathtoallinfidels88@gmail.com

Albus Dumbledore..Uncloseted

(previously titled,,Dumble-opens the closet-'door'..,dint use this as only i found it funny..)

The horror...!!Turns out ol' albus had more than just skeletons in his closet..he swung the other way,he is driving on the other side of the road*running out of gay metaphors,recommended you skip next few lines or so*enjoys a banana split,always the "butt" of the jokes,smokes a ciggy??!(k..ths one ws just depressing).
The recent furore over finding out albus was "happier" than most(i missed tht 1 b4 din't I?),i think is a little overhyped.I,mean come on was it that big a revelation,a guy who lives alone in a dungeon,keeps a bird,wears a robe,surrounded by women like mcgonagall(who btw i think should be announcing her outing soon..)has got to be GAY.We have to listen to miss-know-it-all Rowling now don't we??HE WAS LIKE A FATHER FIGURE TO ME..U BI!@H *author controls outburst,then posts a threat letter to a certain 'Rowling'*.But seriously did she have to uncloset him,just when the world was dealing with his vulnerabilities,BAM..he's a fruit.Now i don't a have anything against the gay community,their contribution to the society is duly noted..where would we be without WHAM and movie which rhymes with 'Jabhi Kalvida Ja Rehna'(Cannot reveal the real name as 'K' remains firmly closeted).But Albus,gay..js doesn't go down well.I mean a guy who can whoop Grindelwald's ass (forgive the pun) is a fairy in the confines of his dungeon.People start thinking there might be a different reason for Voldermort to fear Albus,Hagrid was more than just Gamekeeper,....
So,my readers,although Albus Dumbledore had the hots for Grindlewald,he was no sissy.So stop whining about how you feel betrayed,and for god's sake grow up.You can't just ban HP from schools just because sexual orientation of a character.Trust me,if your son is more interested in the new fashion trends in milan,instead of the soccer team,its not cause of the book.And,no..doing it in the 'Open Lotus' position wouldn't have helped,neither will giving 3 cows as a sacrifice.If you still think gay people are truly the ' Devil Spawn'..go read Lord Of The Rings and hero worship Gandalf,wait..wasnt the guy played him in the movie...GAY...ABOMINATION....SLAY THE COWS,SLAY THE COWS.....

Turd-e- Disco....wa th f%#$k !!!

turd (tûrd)
n. Slang
Vulgar

1. A piece of excrement.

Before I start,I just wanna say tht i have nothing against Sharukh Khan,except the fact that i don't like him...but this post isn't about how i think he is mediocre actor,who will weep in a movie,just cause the heroine's shoes don't match .No,No,...this rant is about something else,it is about an putrid excrement that has been released from the constipated bowels of Farah Khan...I am talking about Dard-e-disco,the song with its asinine lyrics,and choreography which make SRK look like a epileptic having a orgasm.The lyrics can only be described,relentless gibberish .And is it just me or does the song look like Karan Johar's wet dream??Wet..in all the meanings of the word...The song has just too much water in it...When SRK's not in the water he is getting splashed with it...I was sure tht by the time they finished the whole sequence,SRK would have either re-evolved into a reptile,or would be wrinkled as prune..Since he isn't too wrinkled,id say he is re-evolvin,that should also explain the lack of hair.And the name,what the hell does it mean??Literally translated it would mean,"the disco of pain"??I think she expected tht no one would reli give a flying duck about the song looking at the new toned Shahrukh...,ya we get it he works out(So does Shekhar Suman,and he's such a washout,he thought he could sing if he got abs...,so thats not saying a lot) But did she really have to parade him in the water half-naked for tht??They could have shown a half naked Deepika coming outta the water in slo-mo,and i would be spending my holidays doing something better like downloading THAT video..but no.Die farah...die...
(Please spare the photo, i like Farah, am using SRK as a marketing gimick...)